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You are the Communication Specialist at a company that employs about 50 people.
You are the Communication Specialist at a company that employs about 50 people. A long-term employee is about to retire. The CEO wants to put out a statement to employees announcing this retirement and to invite everyone to a reception honoring this employee. She has drafted a statement and would like you to make any necessary revisions. She values your opinions and trusts your judgment. The draft of her statement is below:
Jeffrey Hillinger came to work at Platinum Technologies in 1992. In fact, he was the 4thperson hired when we were just starting out. He started as a technician and worked his way up to Chief Technology Officer in 2012. As you know, he stepped down from this position for mental health reasons in 2016, but he has continued to serve our company in a less stressful position ever since. Nevertheless, his contributions to Platinum Technologies have always been valued.
Therefore it is with a heavy heart that I announce that Jeffrey will be retired from PT effective at the first of the month. He has decided that he needs to focus on his health. While I wasn’t really looking forward to hiring anyone new right now, I accept his choice, and will do what is best for the company.
To honor Jeffrey and his many years of dedication to PT we will have a reception after work next Tuesday in the conference room on the first floor. Refreshments will be served. Out of respect for Jeffrey and his condition, alcohol will not be served.
Please join us!
Sincerely.
Camille Martin
CEO, Platinum Technologies
Your task is to revise this statement so that it conforms to the seven pillars of business communication. If necessary, you may add necessary details that are not currently present.
Once you have revised the statement, explain and justify your revisions in light of the seven pillars.
The seven pillars:
Clear
Concise
Objective
Consistent
Complete
Relevant
Understanding of Audience Knowledge
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